Friday, March 14, 2008

The Medley Blog: $4400 Hookers & 10,000 BC: The Real Story

Hey Folks,

So another politician is a sleaze. Big deal. We had Mark Foley, the sex pervert from Florida , who was making inappropriate overtures to male congressional pages, then we had Idaho Senator Larry Craig whose infamous foot tapping for sex in the Minneapolis airport is still one of my favorite punchlines. Now, we have New York governor Eliot Spitzer paying thousands and thousands of dollars an hour for elite call girls.

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Well at least Spitzer is a Democrat. Finally, the media is making a big deal of a sleazy Democrat. It's about time. Maybe it's because he's a governor. I think the liberal press draws the line at the state level and says, "Okay, on one side of this line we have state and local levels, where everyone is fair game, and on this side of the line we have Congress... only Republican scandals at the Federal level."

Did you remember hearing about that Louisiana Congressman who was caught with $90,000 in his freezer!!!? No, probably not. Rep William Jefferson (D-LA) was caught in a bribery scandal involving West African Telecommunications companies and whatnot. The media made very little effort to take this guy down, and in fact he almost got to keep his seat on the House Means & Ways committee! Then, he got re-elected!!!! WTF?

My point is, how much did you hear about this?

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Back to Spitzer though.

This guy made a political living attacking corruption and based his whole career on talking and acting tough with Wall Street and other assorted causes. As attorney general, he was tough on hookers, tough on money laundering, bribery, and insider trading, and he was tough on environmental degradation. He even once referred to himself as "an F-ing steamroller."

It really is the height of hypocrisy to promote yourself as this ethical family man and moral policeman, when in fact he was dropping huge sums of money on uncouth behaviors totalling nearly $80,000! Yes, it is true that this was in his private life, and that everyone makes mistakes. But, when you make a career out of taking other people down who break the rules, you're fair game too. Public officials need to keep their noses clean, and he obviously did not do that. If only he would've picked his nose more often...

But more importantly, did you have any idea that you could pay $4400 an hour for a hooker? Dude. That is crazy. It is true that Spitzer was enamored with a slightly less expensive call girl, but the mere fact that dudes are shelling out that kind of cash for relations is beyond belief. Apparently "Kristen" cost "Client #9" about $1200 an hour, still a pretty penny.

It makes me wonder. If this 22 year old babe costs $1200 an hour and does whatever, what on earth does the $4400 per hour girl look like... Whoooooaaaaa. Sorry. This is getting a little weird. But you know, use your imagination. I mean $4400 an hour?? There are plenty of people who don't make that in a month! But I still wonder how hot those top tier gals are... I think everyone must. They must be mindbogglingly hot, to the point that an hour isn't even close to necessary... Okay, I'm done with the weirdness. Sorry.

I'm sort of surprised that the Feds leaked who the call girl was in this whole situation. And thanks to the New York Times (who think it's their duty to expose secrets that are better left kept), we now know her escort name (Kristen), her MySpace name (Ashley Alexandra Dupre) AND her real name (Ashley Youmans). AND we know she's from the Jersey shore AND that she dropped out of high school during her sophomore year. AND we also learned that she has a MySpace page and wants to be an R&B singer. AND we know what building she lives in in Manhattan (Chelsea Landmark Tower). AND what her rent is (at least $3500 a month).


This is ridiculous. I'm not sure who I feel worse for at this point, Spitzer's wife, or this "Kristen".

I suppose it's gotta be Spitzer's wife Silda. Kristen already has an offer on the table from Penthouse to be on the cover, and could parlay her story into a book deal, an ABC miniseries, an ill-fated FOX sitcom, or even an sexy urban music career. But the downside is that everyone is calling you a hooker and they know your name. That can't make a person feel very good...

But Spitzer's wife... man, that really sucks. She's actually an accomplished lawyer with an Ivy League law degree (I wanna say it's Harvard). For her to have to find out her husband is an upper class john, a cheater, a hypocrite, a jerk who sets a poor example of what good men should be for his three daughters, as well as for the state of New York, is just brutal. (Not that New York isn't already a place full of poor examples). For her to stand up there with him at that press conference is just a bad scene. It would've been nice if she had slapped him in the face in front of all the cameras. I think the country would've given her a free pass, and she'd be on Oprah the following Wednesday and by Ellen DeGeneres on Thursday.

So we can add Eliot Spitzer to an ever growing list of public figures who act inappropriately and live lavish lifestyles. He's pretty much in the Pacman Jones/Jamaal Tinsley mold now. Sure he's not pulling up the club in a Rolls Royce and getting shot at and (then subsequently being required to "dump" as Stephen Jackson once put it), or "making it rain" in the strip club. He was just more private about it. Spitzer was definitely making it rain in the Mayflower Hotel in a more dignified manner I suppose.

On to more lighthearted topics.

I saw the movie 10,000 BC this week. I've got long gaps between my classes on Mondays and Wednesdays, so sometimes I'll catch a movie to kill the time. Sleazy? Yes. But who asked you anyway?

I'll warn you that this may contain spoilers (okay, so I tell you exactly what happens), but honestly, I'd recommend that you catch this on Blu-Ray in a few months instead of paying money to see it now. Basically the entire movie was filmed in Southern California, and it's painfully obvious. In some scenes, they don't even bother to alter the sky, so you can see the smog from the San Fernando Valley, etc. Just ridiculous. They didn't have smog in 10,000 BC! Duh... I found it hilarious that by looking at where they filmed each scene, you could track their geographic journey from point A to point B in present day SoCal.

And now, the real version of the movie:

The story begins in the highlands of Mammoth Lakes, where people from LA go to see snow. A hunter society of English-speaking Mammoth hunters live in tents and chase down giant elephants that they kill and eat. They are a dredlocked society that are racially ambiguous. Sort of a mix of Caribbean peoples with Samoans and other assorted Filipino-like races. I like to call them the Dreadlockers.

Suddenly after a Mastodon hunt, some evil Arabian/Mexican/unidentifiable Southern Europeans come and kidnap a bunch of the villagers. They disappear to the Southwest out of the Sierra Nevada Mountains toward LA with the prisoners in tow.

The main character is mad that they took his girlfriend, so he leads a few of the dudes after them.

They have a close call in a random jungle that appears over the mountains. Since there is no LA Area equivalent of a jungle, we'll just call it Oxnard. While in Oxnard, the Dreadlockers are able to free a prisoner or two, but lose a couple in the process. Then these giant ostrich/dinosaurs eat a couple of the evil Arabian/Mexican/unidentifiable Southern Europeans.

The captors escape with their slaves.

The small party of Dreadlockers then tracks the bad guys out of Oxnard, down the 101. But instead of following the trail leading into the West Valley and Downtown LA, the evil captors take the 23 in Thousand Oaks and head onto the 118 freeway toward Chatsworth (if you can believe it, it was sleazy even in 10,000 BC!). Then, they end up on I-210 and take that until they end up in the mountains East of Tujunga.

It is here where the main character talks to a Nashville Predator (Sabretoothed Tiger) and convinces a tribe of bald Africans with spears that they should follow him.

The trail then leads them through the Angeles National forest into San Bernadino County toward Palm Springs. Somewhere Northwest of Palm Springs, the Dreadlockers and the Spears meet up with a band of giant Sudanese Drag Queens (they have these bleached blond ponytails that stick straight up), the Bamboo People (probably a Hatian/Dominican/Thai Mix who have masks, armor, and weapons all made of bamboo), and the ambiguous Asians (Chinese/Japanese/Koreans). Oddly enough, there are no white people involved on either side unless you count the evil, bearded Southern European captors.

The allies trek through the desert until they find a river-- I mean the I-10 Freeway and head East. As they approach the Kingdom of Palm Springs, they discover it is a giant advanced Egyptian/Aztec society complete with Pyramids, slaves, unidentifiable Southern European slave drivers and harnessed Mastodon labor. The Bamboo People and the Ambiguous Asisans are not seen from again for some reason.

So the main character infiltrates the slave quarters very easily to convince the slaves to contribute to the uprising to the Dreadlockers will be set free.

The leader of the Egyptian/Aztec society is a "god", who in actuality is an effeminate weirdo who hides under a veil, and has 8 inch long fingernails. He directs his purple-caped gang of clergy weirdos (inappropriate priests no doubt, who also have long fingernails) and intentionally blinded child servants (victims of the inappropriate priests) to do his biddings. He requests that a slave be sacrificed to him every now and again as well. Unfortunately for him, he chose a Dreadlocker slave this time while the protagonist was watching undercover, so he gets really pissed.

Then came the uprising and the mass killing of the Southern European slave drivers while the Arabian/Mexican weirdo clergymen ran into the temple screaming like little girls running through sprinklers. The leader threatens to kill the protagonist's girlfriend. So he gets really mad and grabs a spear from his Spear friend and kills the leader in front of everyone. Then the slaves overrun the temple and set fire to stuff.

The Dreadlockers are freed and return to Mammoth, the protagonist gets his girl back after a near-death experience, and the Spear people return to the mountains East of Tujunga near the 210 Freeway. Everyone lives happily ever after.