Saturday, February 17, 2007

Celebrity Downfalls: Anna Nicole & Britney

Hey Folks,

Sorry about the delay putting up a new column. You know, I've been like, doing stuff and things like that. Mainly I've been working my ass off at the Inn, getting off at 10 pm and getting back at 6 am for a measly $.40 raise. Jerks. Well, that and starting school up at Sonoma.

Anyway, first I'd like to congratulate Tony Dungy and Peyton Manning for getting the 900 pound gorilla off their backs. Their win in rain-soaked Miami firmly cements them into the Football Hall of Fame in Canton, and answers all the naysayers.

Speaking of Miami...

My parents were just down in Hollywood, Fla. for my father's annual business convention the week following the Super Bowl. From their hotel room, they could see the "Seminole" Hard Rock Hotel where an American icon perished.

Did I really just say that? Was Anna Nicole Smith an American icon?

Sadly, I think she may have been.

What exactly is this world coming to when an American icon is a gold-digging white trash whore who marries a 90 year-old half-billionaire sex pervert, subsequently sues his rightful heirs for the entire estate when he dies (what, like she didn't plan on him dying in a year or two?); then gets hooked on opiates, uppers, downers, and flashing cameras, all while exposing herself more often than an uninvited Courtney Love at an after-party with an open bar.

Well, I don't know what the world is coming to anymore. I just don't.

Whether we like it or not, folks like Anna Nicole, or should I say Vickie Lynn, have become larger than life, and adored for their absurdity, promiscuity, lack of recognizable talent, and breasts--and not necessarily in that order.

I know I sound harsh, and borderline evil, but I speak the truth. I just said the things that no one wants to say or admit. On the other hand, was Anna Nicole a bad person or a loser? I don't really think so.

Although it may sound contradictory, I don't believe that Anna Nicole was a bad person. Rather, she was yet another flawed individual thrust into the realm of fame and fortune based on whatever single talent she was blessed with. She was an attractive girl who quit high school, got a job in a Central Texas fried chicken restaurant, married a 16 year-old fry cook, got knocked up, and had no other choice in life but to exploit her own body at Houston strip clubs and Wal-Marts to bankroll her ill-planned venture into motherhood.

Luckily for her, she was able to parlay her sleazy profession into a marriage with an rich old coot, a couple of spreads in Playboy, and non-stop cable news coverage upon her death. She truly was a success story.

Yet it seems that these types of success stories always end in drug addiction, tragedy, bankruptcy, insanity, or an early demise. However many of those fit Anna Nicole is not clear right now, but it could be all five.

Her last months on earth were an up and down roller coaster that no one would want to ride. I mean, for God's sake, she gave birth to an illegitimate baby girl, then her son dies 5 days later of a semi-legal dope cocktail. That has to really mess you up.

Regardless, it's a sad ending to a really weird story, and it can only go downhill from here. We'll find out who the father is soon, then we'll find out how she really died, then we'll see some lawsuits about who gets custody over the baby, where Anna Nicole gets buried, who gets her assets, and then we'll finally find out whether the estate of J. Howard Marshall gets awarded to the estate of Vickie Lynn Marshall, which gets awarded to infant daughter Danielynn Marshall-Stern by way of Howard K. Stern. It's just terrible. I really think that this puts even Mike Tyson's and Michael Jackson's pathetic downfalls to shame.

And yet, the American public remains transfixed on the death of this apparent icon, as well as the subsequent soap opera. More people in this country could tell you details about Anna Nicole's life and death, than the amount of people who could pick Iraq out on a map. It's sad and disturbing, but this is a facet of our society that simply isn't going away. The Access Hollywoods, MTVs, VH1s, and National Enquirers of the world don't help anything, and seem to be growing in strength at an apalling rate.

Even if we've sworn off B and C list celebrity gossip, it can't be ignored. We see the trashy tabloids at Safeway. One cannot help but notice their ridiculous and unfounded headlines: "GEORGE W. BUSH CLAIMS HE IS THE FATHER OF DANIELYNN" and "SPIKE LEE LOVES WHITE PEOPLE" and of course, "ANGELINA AND BRAD HAVE SEX IN MOZAMBIQUE WHILE VINCE VAUGHN WATCHES TO MAKE JEN JEALOUS, BUT JEN HAS A NEW NOSE, SO IT'S OKAY."

As pathetic as it is, America has a love affair and a genuine fascination with degenerate talentless people who are famous for being, well, famous... Because for every Brangelina, Jen, Vince, and Dubya, there's a Paris Hilton, Nicole Richey, Ashlee Simpson, and Kevin Federline.

Speaking of Kevin Federline...

Mr. Britney Spears is looking more and more normal by the day. I'm starting to really think that he's not such a loser and degenerate after all. Well, the jury is still out on him. He may be a talentless jerk after someone else's money, but at least he's not insane.

Britney on the other hand, has completely lost it. She's out to freaking lunch. She's a space cadet. She's both asleep and drunk at the god damned wheel.

I decided to bang out this blog today at work after seeing her latest episode of irresponsible and embarrassing buffoonery on Yahoo.

Before I get into that, let's recap a little bit.

- Britney is living off her past, not having made any "music" (and I use that term music very lightly) in like 3 or 4 years

- She married some dude for like a weekend after Justin Timberlake saw the writing on the wall and sold her stock at an all-time high (he should really get into Wall Street)

- Married Kevin Federline, a backup dancer with no other recognizable talents or positive personality traits. Everyone understood that he'd be leeching off of her except for Britney herself.

-After popping out two kids (with pretty normal names I might add) she dumped K-Fed, who was in the midst of promoting a rap music album

-Britney began partying with known sex and drug enthusiasts Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and probably a couple others that I'm forgetting because they're talentless bitches

-Crotchgate (intentionally shows off the goods to Paparazzi while getting in and out of limo)

-Drunken New Year's in Vegas where she almost passes out on dance floor

-Conflicting reports that she checked into rehab in Antigua for a day

Okay. That's all I know . Do you see how disturbing this is? I know this stuff without too much effort. You hear little blips on the radio, little articles on Yahoo, and see tabloids in the supermarket, and that's all there is to it.

More importantly, as I mentioned before, Britney did something in the last day or two that will blow your mind. This was the real reason that I wrote this column. I will just copy and paste the Yahoo news story:

LOS ANGELES - Britney Spears appeared in a tattoo parlor in the San
Fernando Valley with her head shaved completely bald.

Video on KABC-TV showed the newly shorn Spears with tiny tattoos on the
back of her neck as she sits Friday night for a new tattoo — a pair of red and
pink lips.

"She just wanted something real small on her wrist, something dainty," Max
Gott, the tattoo artist at Body and Soul in Sherman Oaks, told the TV station.
"She got some cute little lips on her wrist."

Derrik Snell, who works at the tattoo parlor, said Spears showed up without
notice and stayed for about 90 minutes as about 60 fans, photographers and
gawkers gathered outside.

"She seemed fine," Snell said. "I didn't really notice (the hairdo) at
first, she had a hood on when she showed up."

The appearance came the same day as reports on TV and Web sites that
Spears, who has drawn criticism for her recent partying and sloppy behavior, had
briefly checked into rehab.

Larry Rudolph, Spears' manager, couldn't be reached for comment.

Syndicated entertainment TV show "Extra" first reported that Spears had
entered a treatment facility. Celebrity Web site then said the singer
had entered a treatment center but had checked out one day later. Neither
revealed their sources.

People magazine's Web site, citing "a source," said Spears had gone in and
out of rehab, and identified the facility as Eric Clapton's Crossroads center in
Antigua, in the Caribbean.

"Access Hollywood" then said the reports weren't true, but didn't cite a source.

Angelique Uram, a Spears fan who stood on the tattoo parlor's sidewalk for
Friday night's spectacle, was aghast at the singer's new look.

"We could see her in the mirror, and her head is completely shaved," she
told KABC. "It looks terrible."

All I have to say is...GET THOSE KIDS OUT OF THERE!

Suddenly, Kevin Federline looks like potential father of the year. This chick is off her rocker and out of her gourd. Those kids need to get out of the custody of that nutcase and her paid help immediately. She has displayed gross incompetence on a consistent basis, and she should lose custody of those innocent children immediately as a result.

Her actions of smoking Marb lights, binge drinking, public nudity/indecent exposure, purported drug use, as well as the bizarre decision to shave her head, once full of lustrous dyed blonde hair, are reason enough to remove Jayden and Sean Preston, and put them into the custody of K-Fed or Britney's mom down Louisiana way.

I fully hope that this wack job gets her shit together, because she is endangering the lives of her two young children and disgracing herself. Her earning power is dwindling the by the day, and pretty soon those rapid DVD sales of "Crossroads" are going to dry up.

I've seen some good downward spirals in my day, and damn near had one of my own, but Britney is fading fast. It's gone from her being untalented, but incredibly hot and sexy to a bald chick walking around with no underwear, smoking cheap cigarettes in Van Nuys.That, my friends is damn near close to rock bottom.

All the millions in the world can't replace holes in your soul, although try they will.

I can tell you this. If I had made all that money with a below average voice, and all I had to do was shake my little beehind for the menfolk and lip sync concerts, I sure as shoot would still be doing it instead of shaving my head and forgetting my drawers at the Four Seasons.

In conclusion, what are we doing adoring these people? They are just people after all. Many times, they're just flawed and desperate souls who happen to have money and fame. Yes, I know that celebrities are fascinating insofar as we see them on TV, in movies, and hear them on the radio, but we can't worship them the way we do. It's truly disgusting that I'm even writing this right now. But, I know you'll read it, shake your head, and swear off celebrity gossip for good. Then on Sunday night at Safeway, you'll see the tabloids again at the checkout stand, and you'll be sucked right back in.