Thursday, October 05, 2006

Thanks Foley!

Ah yes, nothing better than a political scandal with elections coming up. This is pretty ugly here, this whole scene with Mark Foley. For those of you who care more about smoking dope than the future of your country, and have no idea what I'm talking about, I will explain the situation.

Mark Foley is a six-term Republican Congressman from Florida. He's been a member of the House since 1994, and has run virtually unopposed in the last 6 years. He was the leader of the House Caucus for Missing and Exploited Children. He is generally very moderate in his voting, and is one of the few pro-choice Republicans in Congress and is one of the only Republicans elected in liberal and foreign South Florida.

Okay, there's the background on this character. Nothing stands out really. He seems like a good member of Congress, and a productive member of society.

Not so fast.

This guy didn't even graduate from a real college, and on top of it, he's from South Florida, one of the sleaziest regions on earth. If you've read any of my previous articles, you'll no how I feel about Floridian Sleaze. Anyway, I digress.

There have been rumors about Foley's sexual orientation for years apparently. I, for one didn't know anything about the guy, but it turns out that he had to cut his bid for the Senate short when the New York Times ran an article about him being gay or bisexual or whatever it is that LA says is fashionable these days. I mean it really means something when the Times exposes a closet homo to hurt his reputation. They usually celebrate these type of things. Maybe it was a celebration, and that's why they ran the story. They just couldn't contain themselves. That, or they had to do their best to influence an election to keep another dreaded Republican from winning a Senate seat.

A few days ago, emails and instant messages surfaced that contained inappropriate overtures and sexually suggestive content. Well it wouldn't be so bad if it was to a woman aged 18 or older... But sadly for all parties involved, that was not even close to reality.

This newly resigned, shamed, disgraced, and drunken sleaze of a man was sending inappropriate emails and IMs to 16 year-old, male Congressional pages (high school kids who do errands for Congressmen).

Okay, now what? So now one kid after another is coming forward and saying that this guy sent weird shit to them. Foley asked one kid for a picture. He asked another kid what he wanted for his birthday. And then it just went into full blown erotica. Correct me if I'm wrong, but talking about your wang, a male page's johnson, and anything involving the two in the same sentence or scenario is bizarre and unacceptable.

A former page said that while he was working for another Congressman, he and his page cronies knew Foley as "F-F-F".

Foley the Fag from Florida.

Well triple 'F' apparently was known as a gay by most people, but no one ever really called him on it.

Now that the shit has hit the fan, it's all coming out. Here is the line of excuses which are becoming pretty standard issue for people who do inappropriate things in the spotlight.

Step 1) Resign immediately and go hide

Step 2) Blame other people for your actions

Step 3) Make up a substance abuse problem and enter rehab

Step 4) Blame any male/authority figure that you can. In this case, he claimed to be molested by a priest between the ages of 13 and 15

Step 5) Admit you are an alcoholic/gay/Floridian who has no decency or boundaries and cause problems for your entire political party.

It remains to be seen what the true ramifications of this sex pervert's actions are. Hopefully he will not lose his seat to a Democrat in Florida. That is something that no one needs. But House Speaker Dennis Hastert is now being pressured to resign or recuse himself from House Speaker duties just like Tom DeLay had to. This is now coming from all sides, including the conservative Washington Times.

I don't think Hastert should resign. Although it is part of his job description to keep all these jerks in line, I think everyone should just sit back for a minute and relax. Yes, Foley is a weirdo. He disgraced himself and his political party, and on top of it, he's a gay Republican, which is completely unacceptable. But realistically, this is pretty bad. The guy was hitting on 16 year-old dudes for years. However, at least there's no evidence that he ever acted on his impulses, which has to count for something.

But in this day and age, there's no escaping it. The whole of the Republican Congress might as well be gay, philandering sex perverts who worship George Bush, and hate Hispanics. Go for it Democrats, link it all together and hold random political leaders responsible. It's only a matter of time before Phil Angelides shows up at San Jose State and calls for President Bush's resignation because Mark Foley is a hypocritical fraud and a social deviant.

This is an absolute field day for liberals; the mid-term equivalent of the September surprise. Someone knew that this homo was trying to bone teenaged dudes, and they waited to unearth his alcoholic sexual bufoonery until just the right time. A perfect shitstorm.

Although this is all a bad scene, the good thing is that he's out of a leadership position. There is no place in our government for inappropriate, alcoholic gays. This really couldn't have come at a worse time for the GOP, but I am glad that jerk is out of there. We just can't have that. All I can say is, thanks Foley. Thanks a lot.

I use this saying from time to time, and I just can't wait to yell this at my kids. Just yell this out loud, like an old man.


God, I crack myself up. Until next time...

PS: Don't forget to read my last two columns, especially the DUI article.