Tatiana the Tiger

Hey Folks,

Hope everybody had a nice Hanukkah, beautiful Christmas, and a truly blessed Kwanzaa. I keep thinking that this is the year that I'll be treated like an adult and get less presents, but I'm still cleaning up pretty well. Soooo good.

But while I was working on Christmas night with my feet up on the desk, listening to Christmas country music, 2 jerks and their friend were getting attacked by a Siberian tiger.

Yes, no more than 25 miles away, Tatiana was having her way with some dudes after she got out of her "habitat".

This is really a pretty shocking story. That's like your worst nightmare at a zoo. The only thing worse than an angry tiger or lioness on the loose is the orangutans crapping in burlap sacks and throwing it at you (actually happened to my uncle).

As I understand it, the 350 lb. Siberian Tiger somehow jumped across a pretty wide dry moat, and then somehow climbed or jumped over a twelve foot fence. Of course these dopes over at the SF Zoo thought the fence was like 18 feet when it was like 6 feet shorter and well below the recommended height. That's pretty dumb.

Enter 3 young ruffians. There are conflicting reports about whether or not the boys were taunting or baiting the tiger, but I'm assuming one of them did, and I doubt it was the guy who was killed, Carlos Souza. By all accounts, this Souza wasn't a bad guy and he was well-liked. However I believe he was being influenced negatively by his nutsac friends, let's just call them Harold and Kumar-- Harold being the older brother and Kumar being Souza's age.

So we've got Carlos, the well liked dude, and then the hellraising tag team of Harold and Kumar, who may or may not celebrate Christmas (I have yet to figure out their ethnicity, thus referring to them as Harold and Kumar).

Harold and Kumar are known as bastards in their San Jose neighborhood. They party hearty, make hella noise, burn out the front tires of their Hondas at all hours of the night, and have a deep love for rap music. They were arrested for being drunk, disorderly, and "extremely belligerent to police officers" earlier this year. None of their neighbors had anything good to say about these guys.

So back to the story. We'll assume that Harold or Kumar were drunk at the zoo around closing time on Christmas night (perfectly normal, perfectly healthy). We'll also assume that they were exposing themselves and yelling racial slurs at the Siberian feline. She snapped and made the lunge of a lifetime, somehow getting over the fence.

She pounced on Harold, while Kumar the Koward ran away. Carlos made a bunch of noise, trying to distract the tiger from her human fallafel. Then she began mauling poor Carlos while Harold ran to the supposed safety of the Terrain Cafe where Kumar was waiting. After Tatiana left Carlos to die, she caught up with Kumar where she was then shot thrice by SF's Finest.

Obviously the zoo is at fault for not having a high enough fence. This shouldn't have happened. Although pretty callous sounding, the wrong guy definitely died in this attack.

Souza's father had called Harold and Kumar around the time they got to the Zoo looking for his son, and wondering why he ditched Christmas dinner. Obviously young Carlos had made a foolish choice to blow off a family gathering in favor of hanging out with the mischievious Harold and Kumar. So Kumar lied to old man Souza and said that he wasn't with them.

Then, after the attack, Harold and Kumar refused to give officers their names, refused to identify their dead friend whom they probably had a hand in getting killed, and wouldn't answer any questions. Then they got to the hospital where they continued to be belligerent and verbally abusive to police officers, the nursing staff, etc.

Who the hell are these bastards? Instead of feeling shock, remorse, and sadness, they were angry, lying, and refused to cooperate those who were trying to help them.

They have experience being suspects, and I guess their instincts kicked in, overriding the feelings they should have had about their friend getting killed while trying to save them.

Obviously I don't know these guys, but from what I've read, Harold and Kumar are fuckers, and they got Carlos caught up in their web of rap music, marijuana, cheap vodka, and annoying Hondas that sound like amplified insects.

I look forward to the police proving that the tiger was provoked and that these two jerkoffs were to blame for it getting mad enough to risk its well-being and jump over a moat and up a fence.

Of course I expect it to be bungled. It's an international story now, and that means Heather Fong, the least qualified and most incompetent chief of police a major city has ever seen, will be involved.

Heather Fong: now that's a name that strikes fear into urban criminals! I'm not going to get into it, but she's an idiot, and so is Gavin Newsom. And he wonders why the SF murder rate is at the highest it's been in 10 years. Why don't you hire someone who isn't so lame and isn't one the worst drivers on the road.

Anyway, I digress.

I will follow up this tiger debacle soon. In the meantime Happy Friggin New Year, and I'm going to the Warriors-Nuggets game tonight and you're not.